Over a 25-year span, I had tried everything, medicine, therapy, hypnosis, holistic modalities, exercise, self-help programs, and workshops. I have spent endless hours reading books and researching self-help modalities and programs. I was willing to try anything that could help me climb out of this hole, both conventional and unconventional. Some things worked for short periods of time, but nothing lasted. I turned to food for comfort. Food became my addiction. The addiction would range from mindless eating to “feel” better to food restriction to lose weight. I was an emotional eater. I substituted eating for feelings. I did not know how to break this pattern. For a long time, I wasn't even aware of it.

For years I struggled financially. I was terrible with money. I would buy things in hopes that they would make me feel good, and feel successful.  Feel important. They never did.

I divorced when my kids were 4 and 6. Now, I had to face all the challenges of being a single mother. Of showing up for my kids and being a good mother, while i was in the midst of an emotional meltdown. I felt utterly alone. I think this is when I began to shut off my emotions. I had to be strong for my kids, and I had to be able to get out of bed in the morning, so I became numb and detached. Looking at me, you would never had know the severity of my suffering. I was a great actress. I showed up as the person people looked up to and admired. I acted like i had my shit together. however, I would lay in bed at night feeling so hopeless. 

I was so emotionally unavailable, that I lacked the communication skills to be in healthy relationships. I avoided conflict and disagreements because I didn't want the other person to think badly of me. I didn't want to feel rejected. I was so lost.